Dark Lords Anonymous
by Roslyn Kent
Summary: What happens when Darth Vader, Voldemort, and the Dark Lord Sauron join their forces to conquer the whole universe? SWHPLOTRHitchhiker's Guide crossover.


**A/N: Why, hello there. This story is my first attempt at fanfiction. It will become a Harry Potter/LOTR/Star Wars/Hitchhiker's Guide crossover (and yes, it will actually make sense. I hope.). I'm not entirely pleased with the way this first chapter turned out, but future chapters will be better (and not as dull). So yes. Please tell me what you think! Constructive criticism would be very much appreciated. Disclaimer: the characters appearing in this chapter belong to J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, and George Lucas. They're not mine (unfortunately). **

**Roslyn**

Dark Lords Anonymous

Chapter 1

After twelve hours of sweltering summer heat, the air was finally starting to cool down. The sun was creeping behind Clark Hill with a kind of deliberate idleness, as if it enjoyed tormenting the life forms below with its burning rays. All day long it had done just that, at least from a certain man's grumpy point of view. That very man was now quite happy to see that a refreshing evening breeze was rustling the leaves of the maple trees in the vicinity of his house.

Calling it a house was really an overstatement. It was an old, run-down, shabby-looking place, which as far as the general population of Perry was concerned, had been uninhabited for years. Indeed, over half of the people of the small village were oblivious to the house's existence. Those who ventured up on Clark Hill on frequent camping or hiking trips were aware of the small house in the woods, but they had never seen any outward signs of anyone living in it, and for some unknown reason none had ever felt any particular desire to set foot inside it. What no one in Perry knew was that the house had been lived in for the previous few centuries, and that its single occupant was one of the most unlikely candidates for living in such a place, if indeed living at all.

The sky was completely dark now. The torn black curtains in the windows were flapping softly. No sound could be heard, apart from the wind and the strident, piercing cries of a small number of birds resting on the upper branches of a nearby tree. Then the door slowly creaked open. The birds fled with a sound of flailing wings and panicked shrieks, and a hunched figure stepped outside the black shadow of the doorway. Barely illuminated by the newly risen moon, its face appeared to be that of a man, wrinkled and pale. Damp, light-coloured hair was stuck to his forehead, matted with sweat.

He raised one hand and brushed the hair away in an annoyed manner. Standing up straight, he took several deep breaths of the fresh night air. His pale blue eyes seemed to glimmer strangely. His left hand held a piece of hard bread, which he nibbled on for a while before heading back inside.

If this had been a movie, the camera would have now undoubtedly zoomed in on the doorway through which the man disappeared. Then it would have followed his journey across the single room. The journey was a slow and difficult one. Fallen pieces of timber, cardboard boxes, old tattered books and writing instruments littered the floor. In one corner, an ancient looking computer terminal rested on a stack of wooden crates, its screen emitting a bluish glow. Aided by that one source of light, one could observe that everything in the room was covered by a thick layer of dust. It was obvious that the man, whoever he was, did not hold house cleaning high on his list of priorities.

He navigated across the room with slow careful steps, mindful of the rubbish beneath his feet. Stopping in front of the computer, he noticed a chat window flashing on the screen.

Vold29: hey

Vold29: you there?

Vold29: guess not

A faint smile crossed the man's face. He picked up a small stool which was lying upside down nearby, seated himself on it and typed a message.

Lordsauron10: hey I'm back

Vold29: yay!

Vold29: lol

Lordsauron10: heh

Vold29: you've talked to him?

Lordsauron10: vader?

Vold29: yes

Lordsauron10: yes, I have

Vold29: and?

Lordsauron10: he's not at all opposed to me coming

Vold29: great!

Lordsauron10: I guess

Vold29: oh, don't worry. You'll like him, he's a great guy

Lordsauron10: I hope so

Vold29: he is. Trust me.

Lordsauron10: well, if there's anyone who can help us achieve our goals, it's him. This is a chance that we can't afford to miss.

Vold29: see, now you're thinking positive! Good for you!

Lordsauron10: lol

Lordsauron10: when do we leave?

Vold29: he said he was expecting us as soon as possible after he's talked to you

Vold29: so I guess that means we can leave right now

Lordsauron10: a bit too soon

Vold29: not really. Remember, I've known him for months, and I've told him about you from the start.

Lordsauron10: right

Lordsauron10: has the problem of how to get there occurred to you at all?

Vold29: oh yes. Apparating should do the job just fine, really

Vold29: although it might be a bit different from what I'm used to, our destination being so far away and all

Vold29: so can I come over now?

Lordsauron10: certainly

Vold29: good

Vold29: I'll be there in a few minutes, just need to shut the computer down and stuff

Lordsauron10: m'kay

Vold29 has signed out.

The man closed the chat window, rose from his stool, and started pacing back and forth from one end of the room to another. With all the assorted rubbish strewn about, this was proving rather difficult, so after a minute or so he gave up, seated himself again, and waited.

The person he was waiting for soon announced his arrival with a loud cracking sound, and swiftly materialised in the centre of the room. He was tall, dressed in a dark robe and cloak. He leaped over to where the other man was sitting and enveloped him in a tight hug.

"Sauron, old pal, it's great to see you!" he exclaimed. His voice sounded muffled, due to the fact that the blonde man, namely Sauron, was now hugging him back with immense strength.

"Yes, I know you are," he replied, and giggled in a manner that was most unbefitting of a man his age and countenance.

They broke their embrace and took a step away from each other. The newcomer removed his hood, revealing a wrinkled, pasty white face, gleaming red eyes, a small nose and a grin that showed off his pointed yellow teeth. The grin turned into a frown as he inspected his surroundings. He sniffed contemptuously.

"Look at the state of this place. And you wonder why I won't let you live with me. Why, you'd turn my house into a pig sty."

"Aw, c'mon. It really isn't that bad. You're overreacting."

"Overreacting! Indeed." He glared at Sauron, then smiled. "You really ought to learn to take better care of yourself, and the best way to start is by improving the cleanliness of your home."

"Voldie, my friend, you've been nagging me about it since we met. Do you honestly think it will affect me at all?"

"Nope," Voldie replied, still smiling. "I gave up on that ages ago. You're a lost cause. But it's still fun to pester you about it."

"I bet it is…" Sauron muttered, although there was no hint of displeasure in his voice.

"So you're all set? Ready to do what we were meant to do from the start?"

"Yes. Yes I am," the blond-haired man answered after a moment's hesitation. The tone of his reply was not very steady, and did not sound confident in the least. Voldie seemed to pick up on that.

"Yes, I know what you're thinking. He's just a guy I met over the Internet who claims to hold the key to ultimate power. Absolute authority over entire galaxies-"

"Galaxies, eh?" Sauron cut him off. "And which galaxies might these be?"

"Just…galaxies. He wasn't specific. I'm guessing he means that eventually we'll rule the whole universe."

Sauron's eyes widened at the prospect, and for a moment his mind was filled with fantasies of blissful intergalactic supremacy. But almost immediately, the claws of common sense gripped him and brought him back to reality.

"That's what he claims. How do you know he's not just messing with you?"

Voldie began to pace back and forth, a task which he abandoned after taking only a few steps through the ankle-high pile of rubbish that was Sauron's home. He sighed, exasperated.

"Look, what have we possibly got to lose? Even if he turns out to be lying, which I doubt, we could always just leave."

"He may have lured us there to kill us! You can't just trust a person you've met on the internet! Especially someone you've known for only a few months!" Sauron protested loudly, his voice gaining a high-pitched, whiny tone. Voldie rolled his eyes.

"No one would dare," he cackled merrily. "As long as I've got my wand, I can defend myself against anything and everything. Remember, I've got powers."

"So does he, if I remember correctly."

"True. But that doesn't mean I couldn't defeat him if I tried. By the way, something just occurred to me. He wouldn't have asked me for help if he thought I was stronger than him. He underestimates my powers, which means that my attack will be much more surprising when I do decide to use it. From what I've gathered while talking to him, he seems really insecure, and the thing he hates most is his authority being threatened…"

Sauron raised his hands, as if to stop the flow of his companion's excited chatter. "Whoa, wait a minute. Now you suddenly want to overthrow him. Where did _that_ come from?"

"I did NOT say I wanted to overthrow him. It's just a course of action we may be forced to take in case his intentions prove to be hostile. Look, the point I'm trying to make is that you worry too much. Let's just go for it!"

"No! It's too dangerous!"

"For Merlin's sake!" Voldie gnashed his teeth loudly and kicked the heavy wooden chest which had materialised in the centre of the room a few seconds after his entrance. "Listen," he ranted, "You were nothing before I found you! You had no power, no physical form, you had nothing! Nothing at all! I taught you how to preserve your soul for billions of years, I found you a body, I found you a place to live! I give you food, clothing, everything you need!"

He was shouting now. His hands were gesticulating wildly, and his red eyes gleamed in a way that made Sauron feel uneasy, The blond man took a small step back.

"Just think! Without me, you wouldn't be standing here right now. You have ME to thank for all that you are. "And," he added in a soft, menacing voice, "how did you meet me?" He paused, more for effect than to actually let Sauron answer the question. "Over the Internet! You met me in a chatroom, which goes to show that not all people on the Internet are dangerous, which proves that Vader can be trusted." Satisfied with the conclusion to his argument, Voldie smiled. Sauron stared.

"That was different," he finally said after a moment's silence. "My palantir was connected to an Internet network 2 billion years into the future. With that immense time gap, I knew it was impossible to communicate with just anyone. The person at the other end had to have some sort of power to enable their message to be transported to the past. This means that as soon as I was able to make contact with you, I knew that you weren't _just anyone_, and that you would prove to be a great ally. You, meanwhile, have no proof that Vader is who he says he is."

It was Sauron's turn to smile astutely, and Voldie's turn to glare at him while attempting to contain his indignation.

"I suppose this means you're not coming with me," he growled.

"Oh, not at all. I'm still thinking it over."

"Hurry up then, will you? Lord Vader is expecting us."

"That's exactly why I'm so hesitant: he's only talked to me once and he already wants to meet me."

Once again, Voldie sighed. "You twit. It's a good thing, it means he approves of you. It also means he doesn't need an infinite amount of time to make a decision."

"How can you blame me for simply being cautious?" Sauron asked imploringly. "I've done my deal of recklessness, of not thinking things through, and look where it got me. I could have been destroyed for good."

"Oh, quit it," Voldie growled.

Just then, a sound beeped. For a second Voldie was startled, but the blonde man ambled over to the computer terminal and tapped a few keys, whereas the dancing flame screensaver gave way to a flashing chat window.

Vader501: everything alright?

Lordsauron10: yes. Why?

Vader501: you are taking an awfully long time. I am expecting you.

Voldie pushed Sauron aside and took possession of the keyboard.

Vold29: I'm sorry, lord vader. We will be along shortly.

Vader501: good.

Vader501:)

He closed the chat window. "Look, the guy is expecting me. We can't make him wait all day. This is your last chance: you're either coming with me or you aren't."

The air between the two men was thick with impatient silence. After a while, the silence was broken by the impatient, rhythmic tapping of Voldie's foot. Sauron's eyes were closed, he was scratching his chin and he appeared to be thinking hard. Just as the dark-robed man was about to get fed up with Sauron's indecisiveness and announce his departure, Sauron rose from his seat and stepped forward. "I'll join you. I'll follow you to wherever this foolish quest will lead us."

Voldie grinned. "Very well! A great choice, I say."

"Just one thing."

"Yes?"

"If anything goes wrong, I won't hesitate to blame it all on you."

"Go pack your things," was Voldie's reply. "Come, I'll help you."

Sauron's possessions being few, the task only took about 10 minutes, the majority of which were spent searching through the rubbish for said possessions. Then the space of the next five minutes was occupied by Sauron's worries about apparating over such a great distance. Finally, all was settled. Sauron's worried protests were shushed by Voldie's reassuring comments that he knew what he was doing, to which the blond man replied that having never travelled outside Earth before, it couldn't possibly be true, to which Voldie replied in a rude, inappropriate manner. That made Sauron shut up, although the angry look in his eyes revealed that he didn't necessarily agree.

They moved to the centre of the room, Voldie carrying his large trunk in which he had packed his companion's things along with his own. They gazed at each other. "Well, Sauron, are you ready?" Sauron nodded. He gripped his friend's arm tightly. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then the two men disappeared with a loud cracking sound, off on a journey into the far reaches of space, on a mission to gain more power and eventually conquer all who opposed them. What lay in store for them, however, was beyond all they could possibly imagine.


End file.
